i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
