I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
