And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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