Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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