guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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