i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
