my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
