I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
