Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
