I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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