I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
