He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
