my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
