ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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