Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
