hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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