Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
