someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize