just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
