I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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