Heybabeimwearingurpanties
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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