I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
