Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
