How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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