last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
