he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
