mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
