Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
