I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
