I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
this boner is exhausting
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize