ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
