Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
