Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
