yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
