just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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