I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
