He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
