Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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