Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
