My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
