He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
