Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
