I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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