dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
