winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
