i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
