quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
