I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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