also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
