he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
