I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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