I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
