what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I fill condoms, not promises.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
