i wish there were pregnant emoticons
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
