if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
