I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
