Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
