So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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