I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
