There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
