I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
