i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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