Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize