Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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