i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
