sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
