woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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