somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
