I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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