you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
