Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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