I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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