Your tits are I can't wait for
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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