I can feel you judging me through the phone.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
