This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What drink are we having for lunch?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
