the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
