She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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