my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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